Why do i doubt my relationship

We include products we think are useful for our readers. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission.

Before you call it quits, chill. Research shows that obsessing and having relationship doubts can not only cause you distress, but hurt the dynamic as well. Doron G, et al. Obsessing about intimate-relationships: testing the double relationship-vulnerability hypothesis.

DOI: Yep, even married people have doubts. Just ask any married couple you know. Whether a duo will last is determined by what both partners do in light of those doubts, he says. And then hours later, you start to panic that your interest in someone else means you should jump ship. Hold on there. Keep this in mind as well if you learn that your partner was seen flirting with another person. Often, asking and instructing — while keeping it playful and reserving judgment — is all it takes to get your S.

Practically everyone has experienced some form of doubt in a relationship. They are in a bad mood and it must be my fault. For some people, these thoughts are more than occasional. They can become constant and overwhelming, and even lead to compulsive actions like seeking reassurance to quiet them. Relationship doubts can be a sign of ROCD, but thoughts alone are not enough to diagnose someone with the condition.

ROCD is characterized by ongoing intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors around uncertainty of a relationship. For someone with this condition, relationship doubts are experienced as intense anxiety or discomfort that feel impossible to let go of, and they can often take over or sabotage the relationship.

So what does ROCD look like? A very common symptom of ROCD is reassurance seeking. While someone else might dismiss this as unimportant — after all, everyone likes different music — for someone with ROCD, their mind might latch onto this thought and grow it into cause for greater concern.

If not read our piece on low cost counselling. As for the liberated sex, there is liberated sex, and there is good sex that is actually a form of abuse and control in disguise. This seems like it is bordering on the latter.

I have just spent four very expensive and distressing months visiting a couples therapist with my husband. Every week I came out of there dreadfully upset and furious. I feel really troubled by the whole experience. The thought of going on like this for another twenty years is intolerable.

I have been with my SO now for nearly 18 months. The start of the relationship was difficult because of, firstly, the massive distance between us geographically. Long distance relationships are obviously hard, but it was my trust issues that were causing problems — my anxieties would cause me to question whether or not she loved me. I saw counselors and therapists but eventually managed to subside my anxieties, a feat that I pride myself on for being able to get over.

Since getting over this hump, the relationship has been wonderful. I love her family, I get on with them all, and the same vise versa. We compliment each other. We motivate each other. We love each other very, very much and always communicate that. So why, suddenly, have I started having doubts about whether or not this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, and doubts about whether or not I love her?

I know I love her. I know it because when I try to envisage the pros and cons of my life with her, there are no cons and millions of pros. She is the perfect person for me and I have never loved somebody the way I love her, so where have these doubts so suddenly and irrationally come from?

There has been no particular event that sparked this. No cheating, nothing changing in our relationship. I have doubts about my boyfriend keeping lots of secret from me. We always text each other because our relationship are long distance.

But lately here always reply my text late and even make excuses that his network connection has a problem. I want to trust him but there this tiny doubt saying he has someone other than me. I try to confront him about it he said he only have me as his lover. Can I really trust him or it is just my own fear of loosing him?

Please help me. It sounds a tricky situation. Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain. It seems he is setting a clear boundary over trying to trick you or lie to you? For starters, wonderful you reached out for help already! It shows you are truly a healthy person who wants the best for yourself. Have you talked to your counsellor about this? And the idea that your relationship is only all good. Most relationships have downs, and conflict is actually a healthy part of a relationship.

Can you be all of yourself, sad, uncertain, doubting, grumpy, and still be accepted as is? And do you accept all such things in your partner? Or is there a real striving here to match an ideal that might not even be good for anyone involved? Interesting questions to ask.

Hi I have a boyfriend. It sounds hard. It seems awfully fast to have already decided to get married. Is it possible to slow things down? The questions to ask are, is he doubting you? Or is he trying to control you? Do you have enough freedom to be yourself? Thank you for writing this. My partner and I were planning a wedding. When he had the ring in his hand he said he had doubts and could not move forward. We spent two days talking through his doubts and it was very hard for me to watch him spiral down.

After dealing with these doubts for two days, he got into his car and left without notice, driving from VA to Canada. Why would he have doubts if this were real? This article helped to reinforce my beliefs on why he had doubts. I believe that he is dealing with feelings of unworthiness and fears from past relationships. As for me, I am still very much in love and giving him the space that he asked for.

On the way to Canada he talked to his ex and she told him that they could be friends as long as he no longer had contact with me. Once he arrived in Canada, he asked that I no longer contact him. Giving him space is the best way I can love him. I hope that he takes the time to reflect on his life.

I am certainly doing a lot of that myself. He is a wonderful man who deserves to be happy and in a healthy relationship. The same as I am a wonderful woman and deserves to be in a happy and healthy relationship. If we are able to get through this, there is doubt in my mind that we will be better for this experience. Thank you for your article. Gosh, that certainly must have been a shock. Yes, it sounds like he has issues, and also like he has unresolved ties with the ex.

Refusing any contact for a determined period is one thing, but leaving someone hanging and expecting them to be available as and when is another. Good self care can mean making sure we have enough personal boundaries in place we are not slipping into codependency.

We do truly agree that you deserve to be in a happy and healthy relationship, which means it would have to be with someone else who was actually ready for one.

We wish you courage and hope it all works out for the best! My new girl has been telling me that she is doubtful of my love to her basing on my past relationship i told her about, she even broke with me once and she resumed a day later.

I really want her for life and i have been sincerest to her. I do not really know how i should help her loving me. Somebody help me!!! Perhaps you are asking the wrong questions here Josephat.

Perhaps the questions should be more about, what is my definition of love? What kind of love and care do I think I deserve? And if you discover perhaps your self-esteem is not as high as it could be, or you have limiting ideas about how loveable you are, do consider seeking a counsellor to talk about it.

I love and care about him so much but I have anxiety and low self esteem which facilitates my doubts. When it comes to decision making I often chose the decision with immediate reward even if there are terrible consequences. I feel guilty for this everyday. How do I learn to make the right decision instead of picking the solution that fits me in the present? Thanks for sharing. What if there was no exact right and wrong?

If in fact the only way to learn is to try things and see if they work? Really, the only way we move forward in life and grow as humans and learn how to have good relationships is by trying things. Nobody is perfect. Nor is any relationship or other person perfect. What it really seems like, as you say when you mention your esteem levels, is the person you doubt is yourself.

Perhaps you even grew up in an environment where you were critiqued all the time, and now you continue the pattern by beating yourself up constantly. If you were up for giving it a go, a counsellor or therapist could definitely help you with the cycle of self-doubt and low esteem, which might help your relationship breathe. Hi I have boyfriend now and we are still new,like we still getting to know each other. I really like him but I dont know how to stop him doubting me,because im loyal with him.

Hi, It was a very useful article, thank you so much for sharing it. I was dating a guy for 3 months and we were going forward. But 1 day later we had a small fight and he left and broke up. I learned from Tatkin work that he has insecure attachment problems as I do. We are in contact I was suggesting to reconciliate and move on and he says he has doubts about the whole relationship and commitment.

Hello, thank you for sharing. Your boyfriend is showing very controlling behaviour. What in you feels that this is love, and that you must hold onto this relationship at all costs?

It sounds very hard, Atieh. If he does not want the relationship you have to accept his choice, otherwise you are not taking care of yourself and even abusing yourself, waiting for the love of someone who is not able to be loving and secure for you.

Do what you can to take good care of yourself and put your focus on yourself and your life and not on him and waiting for him. Do what you can to deeply value yourself here. Ask good questions like, what in me thinks this is love? Where did I learn that I must love someone who is not sure about me or who abandons me easily?

Is this really love? What might a secure, healthy love look like? Do I take my time getting to know somoene in love, how might I date others in ways that are more secure and less intense? Until you work out your own issues then this might be a pattern that repeats in your life.

We wish you courage. Hi John. Look, relationships are tricky. And you are young. The only person you can control is yourself. So the best thing would be to take your attention off her and just spend time understanding yourself. What makes you jealous? Is it because you choose relationships where there is no real trust?

Do you have trust issues? Do you tend to chase women who are nice to you or not? Do you have issues with control? Or low self-esteem? What could you do to raise your self-esteem? In summary, trying to hyper focus on changing what has already happened will not change anything, and tends to drive people away. Working on yourself, and learning who you really are, what you really like, what makes you feel good, and doing those activities that make you feel good, investing in yourself and your future, that is what attracts other people.

Finally, it sounds like there are real communication issues going on here. Another thing to research and learn might be honest communication. It is essential to having healthy relationships. I was in a relationship for 9 years with a guy from 19 yrs old. We broke up two years ago, I found it very difficult as I felt I still loved him very much but we did not want the same things. After a year I felt like I was healing. I am now 9 months into a new relationship and all was going well until I semi moved in with him.

He is so, so good to me. Understanding, caring and honest. I am now starting to think about my ex and compare this relationship to my last, in terms of the connection. I definitely feel this time around is less passionate, but it also feels more real, safer and I feel more wanted.

Thoughts are just thoughts. They only become relevant if we act on them. Of course if they are making us feel haunted or unhappy then it can be important to take a look at why. It could be several things. Notice if you have done this kind of pattern elsewhere. Do you always worry you made the wrong choice with things like jobs and school and then romanticise the past? If you feel very haunted it might be an idea to do a round of CBT therapy. Good luck! He says he loves me, but refuses to get married.

But what really makes me doubt the love he professes to have for me is this:. Eight months after moving into our house, he finally bought a life insurance policy only when I pushed for it. I reciprocated by purchasing the same thing for him.

Fast-forward two years….. I discovered that I was NOT the beneficiary on his policy…. For two years I was totally unprotected and had something happened to him, I would have been homeless and broke.

Would he have put a woman he loved at risk like that? I think not. The policy was a ten-year-term life and is no longer in force….. I have no family to help me. He refuses to share his financial status with me…. His current position regarding marriage is that he promised yeah, right we will get married after he retires, which will be December of Meaningful conversations are absent….

But he has many good points and is good to me with the exception of wreaking havoc with my emotions. It doesn't mean that your marriage is headed straight for divorce, but do take the time to sit down and have a one-to-one with yourself and be really sure about the decision. You don't have to feel guilty about having questions. But you do need to allow yourself the time to fully consider your feelings.

I have a tendency to push people away because somewhere deep inside, I don't know if I deserve to be loved. Dark, right? Could this be the case for you? Relationships are meant to bring out the best of people and provide health, love, laughter, and content for both sides.

In every aspect of life, from career to love, we put pressure on ourselves and strive to be better. Yet when we vocalize any doubts about a relationship, we're immediately labeled as doomed. Why is there so much pressure to have a perfect relationship? How can a relationship be normal and have no bumps? We want to find a love worth fighting for, one we deserve, but that doesn't mean the love will be perfect.